What Does True Love REALLY Look Like?

I wish sometimes I was a writer. I have opinions, beliefs and feelings I want to express, but I can't string the words together sometimes. Or when in a conversation with another person, I often thing of what I should have said the next day to get my point across. The problem is, when I needed the words was during the conversation the day before.

Anyway, I've just finished reading a book that has made a big impact on the way I think. I wish I had read it 3 years ago, or had it available to me 3 years ago. If I had, maybe the past 3 years would have been a lot different. What's more, I'm starting another book that I think will also teach me a lot.

The first book was The Love Dare, written by Steven and Alex Kendrick. The one I just started is called Family Man, Family Leader, Biblical Fatherhood as the Key to a Thriving Family.

In the Love Dare, I learned that though I thought I knew how to love, I really didn't have a clue. I don't know if anyone is following this blog anymore since it's been awhile since I've posted, but I'd like to share the book...one chapter at a time, (don't worry, the chapters are short...no longer than 2-3 pages a piece, though this post will be the longest as I added a part of the appendix that relates to the introduction) with maybe a few sporadic comments along the way. I pray that someone may find what I share, and learn something from it, therefore improving an already good marriage, or saving one that is in trouble.

I recommend this book to anyone who is married or is planning to marry. I especially urge anyone having marriage problems to read this book and do the dares, especially before considering separation or divorce. If taken seriously and taken to heart, it can be the tool that gets your relationship on the right track. It can teach you what love really is, and how to truly love your spouse as God intended. It can get your marriage on the path to the way God intended it to be.

Following is the introduction to THE LOVE DARE:

The Scriptures say that God designed and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in marriage-to love. This powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is difficult. It is life changing.

This book is about love. It's about learning and daring to live a life filled with loving relationships. And this journey begins with the person who is closest to you: your spouse. May God bless you as you begin this adventure.

But be sure of this: it will take courage. If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone else or something else is. The bible says that "the heart is more deceitful than all else (Jeremiah 17:9), and it will always pursue that which feels right at the moment.

We dare you to think differently- choosing instead to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run...your mate and your family. This is the key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.

[more on following your heart vs leading your heart in a moment.]

The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse to be the person you want them to be. You've no doubt already discovered that efforts to change your husband or wife have ended in failure and frustration. Rather, this is a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your desire is dry and your motives are low. The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. and when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.

Remember, you have the responsibility to protect and guide your heart. Don't give up and don't get discouraged. Resolve to lead your heart and make it through to the end. Learning to truly love in one of the most important things you will ever do.

LEADING YOUR HEART. WHAT IS THE HEART?

Your heart is your identity. Your heart is the most important part of who you are. It is the center of your being, where the "real you" resides. "The heart of man reflects man" (Proverbs 27:19). As a person "thinks in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7)

Your heart is your center. Since your physical heart is in the center of your body and sends life-giving blood out to every living cell, the word "heart" has been used for centuries to describe the core starting place of all your thoughts, beliefs, values, motives and convictions.

Your heart is your headquarters. Your heart is the Pentagon of your operations. As a result, every area of your life is impacted by the direction of your heart.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH FOLLOWING MY HEART?

It's Foolish. The world says "Follow your heart!" This is the philosophy of new age gurus, self help seminars, and romantic pop songs. Because is sounds romantic and noble, it sells millions of records and books. The problem is that following your heart usually means chasing after whatever feels right at the moment whether or not it is actually right. It means throwing caution and conscience to the wind and pursuing your latest whims and desires regardless of what good logic and counsel are saying. The bible says "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26)

It's Unreliable. People forget that feelings and emotions are shallow, fickle, and unreliable. They can fluctuate depending on circumstances. In an effort to follow their hearts, people have abandoned their jobs to reignite a lousy garage band, lost their life savings following a whim on a horse race, or left their lifelong mate in order to chase an attractive coworker who's been married twice already. What feels right in the height of sweet emotion often feels like a sour mistake a few years later. [I recently read an article on divorce that shows the same sentiment. It discovered that when many people are asked just a few years after divorce if they are happier now than when they were married, the greater majority were either no happier or not even as happy as they had once been. They regretted making the decision to get a divorce.] This selfish philosophy is also the source of countless divorces. It leads many to excuse themselves from their lifelong commitments because they no longer "Feel in Love" [I, and other sources I have read challenge that if a person can say that they don't love their spouse anymore, they either don't understand what love really is, or they never loved that person to begin with.]

It's Corrupt. The truth is, our hearts are basically selfish and sinful. "The heart is more deceitful than all else and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus said "Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders" (Matthew 15:19). Unless our hearts are genuinely changed by God, they will continue to choose wrong things.

SHOULD I EVER FOLLOW MY HEART?

King Solomon said, "A wise man's heart directs him toward the right, but the foolish man's heart directs him toward the left" (Ecclesiastes 10:2). Just as your heart can direct you towards [anger], hatred, lust and violence, it can also be driven by love, truth, and kindness. As you walk with God, He will put dreams in your life that He wants to fulfill in your life. He will also put skills and abilities in your heart that He wants to develop for His glory (Exodus 35:30-35). He will give you the desire to give (2 Corinthians 9:7) and to worship (Ephesians 5:19). As you put God first, He will step in and fulfill the good desires of your heart. The Bible says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). But the only time you can feel good about following your heart is when you know your heart is intent on serving and pleasing God.

WHY IS FOLLOWING MY HEART NOT ENOUGH?

Because our hearts are so subject to change and so utterly untrustworthy, the Scriptures communicate a much stronger message than "follow your heart." The Bible instructs you to lead your heart. This means to take full responsibility for it's condition and direction. Realize that you do have control over where your heart is. [Is your heart with your spouse as it is supposed to be, or is it elsewhere, like work, or the Internet, or the TV?] You have been given the power by God to take your heart off one thing and to set it on something else.

HOW DO I LEAD MY HEART?

First, you need to understand that your heart follows your investment. Whatever you pour your time, money and energy into will draw your heart. This was true before you were married. You wrote letters, bought gifts, and spent time together as a couple, and your heart followed. When you stopped investing as much in the relationship and started pouring yourself into other things, your heart followed you there. If you are not in love with your spouse today, it may be because you stopped investing in your spouse yesterday. [We must lead our heart to our spouse and our marriage instead of these other things. Our marriage must be our hearts first priority]

Check your heart. One of the keys to successfully leading your heart is to constantly be aware of where it is. Do you know what has your heart right now? You can tell by looking at where your time has gone in the past month, where your money has gone, and what you keep talking about.

Guard your heart. When something unhealthy tempts your heart, it is your responsibility to guard it against temptation. The Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). Don't let your heart put your work or money above your spouse and family. Don't let your heart lust after the beauty of another woman (Proverbs 6:25). The Bible says, "If riches increase, do not set your heart on them" (Psalm 62:10)

Set your heart. The apostle Paul taught, "set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God" (Colossians 3:1). It's time to identify where your heart needs to be and then to choose to set your heart on those things. You say, "But I don't really want to invest in my marriage. I'd rather be doing this or that." I know. You've set your heart on that in the past and you are stuck in a "follow your heart" mentality. But you don't have to let your feelings leave you anymore. Lust is when you set your heart on something that is wrong and forbidden. You can choose to take your heart off the wrong things and set it on what is right.

Invest your heart. This is SO IMPORTANT! Don't wait until you feel like doing the right thing. Don't wait until you feel in love with your spouse to invest in your relationship. Start pouring into your marriage and investing in where your heart is supposed to be. Spend time with your spouse. Buy Gifts. Write letters. Go on dates. The more you invest, the more your heart will value your relationship. This is what the Love Dare is about-40 days of leading your heart back to loving your spouse.