I find myself asking...

On those days like today where I wake up and say that I hate my life and I would be elated if today was the day of the second coming of Christ and I would be taken home to him and this hell on earth would finally be at an end, I find myself asking the question, "Why should I show much interest in God when he doesn't seem to show much interest in me?" Could it be that he knows something I don't? I don't just think so, I know so. He is omnipotent after all. I just wish he would let me in on even just a little minute bit of it.

Poor Kiri

Kiri is the name of my brother's dog. She's been kind of an extended family dog really. This big 130 pound lovable teddy bear has lived not only with my brother's family, but she lived with me for about a year, and several months with my parents when my brother didn't have a back yard he could keep her in. This is a dog that you felt safe knowing she was there. This is the dog that when the 3 year old wanted to leave the house and take a walk through the neighborhood without anyone knowing, went with the young child, turned her around got her back home before she could get more than just a house or two up the street. Anyway, last month she developed a kidney infection, and by the time she started showing symptoms of not feeling well and was taken to the vet, her kidneys had started to shut down. It took everyone by surprise. Just a couple of weeks before she was getting into the sink to lick clean any dirty dishes she might find...the picture of a healthy big bear of of dog. Now...now she's gone. I went with my brother to lay her to rest (it took 2 of us given her size) and we both said our goodbyes. My brother broke down and cried, and rightfully so as this dog had been with him since he was a newlywed. She was there through each new child. She protected him and his family. She loved them with an unconditional love that I dearly wish we in our human sickness could learn. Oh the world would be a much better place if we could learn that kind of love. Here's the kicker however. Though this was my brother's dog, and I'd kept her with me for only a small fraction of her life, I broke down and cried as well. Needless to say, it caught me off guard. I didn't expect her passing to affect me as it did... to bring me to tears. For so long I've kinda felt numb...almost dead inside. Devoid of any real depth of emotion outside of the love I have for my son. I was beginning to wonder if I had lost the ability to feel anything beyond a dull ache. It's good and a little refreshing to know that I still have feelings and emotions inside, no matter how deep they may be buried. I know leave you with a short...I don't know, poem, verse, or whatever you want to call it. Rest assured I didn't write it, and I don't know who did, but it's incredibly appropriate:

"If you can start the day

without caffeine,

If you can resist boring people

with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food

every day

and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your

loved ones are too busy

to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame

without resentment,

If you can face the world without

lies and deceit,

If you can say honestly

that deep in your heart you have no

prejudice against creed, color,

religion or politics,

Then my friends, you are almost

as good as your dog.

Author unknown

blah, blah, blah

No one reads this anyway, so I'm just venting to myself. I hate my life. I've hated it for the last 2 years. For a couple of years before that it pretty much was a farce of a life, but at least there were a few bright spots here and there. Now however I live a nightmare I've feared since childhood. It's the life I begged God from a very young age to please not make me live. Why then do I find myself with such a life? God only knows and I intend to ask him when I meet him some day. Now I just live it day by day. I hate it. I have to make a change. The next trick is mustering up the energy to do it. I must shed this underlying angry person that I am but don't let the world see before it consumes me. Sometimes I just feel...mean. I mean telling off anyone who even looks at me wrong mean. That didn't used to be me.

I do have one silver lining. One life line. In a way it's also a chain from being able to completely move on, but I wouldn't trade it for the universe. One gift from God in addition to the obvious Gift of God and His ultimate sacrifice for me. Oh I haven't lost my faith. I will never loose that. My passion maybe, which sucks because after 2 years, I still feel dead inside...passionless, emotionless apathy when the bitterness lies sleeping (hey, it used to be rage, so it is an improvement) but never my faith. I do miss the passion. I want it back. I just wish I could figure out how to get it again. I'm probably just too stubborn.

I ramble and probably make no sense, but who cares? I surely don't.