blah, blah, blah

No one reads this anyway, so I'm just venting to myself. I hate my life. I've hated it for the last 2 years. For a couple of years before that it pretty much was a farce of a life, but at least there were a few bright spots here and there. Now however I live a nightmare I've feared since childhood. It's the life I begged God from a very young age to please not make me live. Why then do I find myself with such a life? God only knows and I intend to ask him when I meet him some day. Now I just live it day by day. I hate it. I have to make a change. The next trick is mustering up the energy to do it. I must shed this underlying angry person that I am but don't let the world see before it consumes me. Sometimes I just feel...mean. I mean telling off anyone who even looks at me wrong mean. That didn't used to be me.

I do have one silver lining. One life line. In a way it's also a chain from being able to completely move on, but I wouldn't trade it for the universe. One gift from God in addition to the obvious Gift of God and His ultimate sacrifice for me. Oh I haven't lost my faith. I will never loose that. My passion maybe, which sucks because after 2 years, I still feel dead inside...passionless, emotionless apathy when the bitterness lies sleeping (hey, it used to be rage, so it is an improvement) but never my faith. I do miss the passion. I want it back. I just wish I could figure out how to get it again. I'm probably just too stubborn.

I ramble and probably make no sense, but who cares? I surely don't.